This is really hard. Mom's mood is all over the place. Today she was mad at me again for going to work and leaving her home with nothing to do. Why is the burden for this only mine?

The director of the day center recommends that Mom have an evaluation by a neuro-psychologist. What the heck is that? And will they make life easier for us?

Mom was really squirrelly today. We went to the mall, because she complained yesterday about always being stuck in the house (though we did in fact get out). First, we were checking out cosmetics and there were some people talking a foreign language (they were actually quite rude, interrupting the clerk who was helping me) and Mom told them to speak English. Then she sat and waited for me by the piano. She said she'd like to stay and listen, but she hadn't brought her glasses (what?). Tonight, she said that she something about thinking she was just at our house for dinner and she expected to go home to her house. Then we got into a conversation about this being where she lives now and she couldn't remember that. The director of the day center thinks she needs another evaluation so I'm going to talk to her this week to find out what she means. This so much more than everyone thought I think. Even though I try not to think about the future, I worry. I wonder how long I will be able to take care of her at home, and if she does have to move to a facility, will I be able to afford to continue to live here. Maybe we should have moved back east to be with A. I dunno. I'm slowly making my way through the various stages of grief and I think I'm past anger, fear and am now at acceptance. Mom is so contrary; she wants to get out of the house and when she does, she complains and wants to be back home. Yesterday afternoon she was very agitated and wanted to get out of the house, so we did and then she wanted to be home. She has trouble getting in and out of the car (though she has discovered an alternate way to do so, she plants her butt in the seat and swings her legs in and this seems to work pretty well. She wants to go to bed sometimes as early as 6:00 pm, and she gets up really early or sometimes several times in a night. I try to remind her to brush her teeth but then she accuses me a treating her like a baby. This is really hard. I think she might be depressed too.

Anyway, it's snowing tonight and we have a winter storm warning going on. Glad tomorrow is a holiday and that I don't have to go to work.

It was an interesting day. The director from the day center came and picked up Mom around 9:00 this morning. Mom seemed very excited about it and willing went with her. However, once she got there she refused to participate in most of the activities and kept asking when her daughter was coming to pick her up. At noon the director called and filled me in on these details. She mentioned that a woman whom had taken Mom to the Senior Center was going to be coming and perhaps Mom would respond to her, and she did. I picked Mom up at 2:00 and her face lit up when she saw me. She seemed very happy and she said several times that she was the only one talking in the group (all of the women and men seemed much older than Mom, but then Mom doesn't look her age at all). So I'm not sure how to gauge this.

I took Lily to the vet where she had her shots and blood drawn. It seems that when cats reach the age of seven they are considered seniors and she was checked out thoroughly today. I can't believe that my baby is seven. Tonight, Mom called out and told me to come look; Lily was lying in the bathroom sink upstairs! She is trying to come out of her shell and I am thrilled.

I am alone in our house for the first time in 18 months. Mom is at the day activity center. I hope she is having a good time. She seemed excited about going. Cross your fingers.

Today I found out that the coin flipped in my favor...at least where the U of MN study for caregiver support is concerned. I hope to get some support in caring for Mom. I need it.

I talked to my boss today about the PM. Turns out he's aware of what's going on and he's not pleased with the PM. I feel guilty about this but I couldn't take the bullying anymore. I wish he would just do his job and not try to be a developer when he's a PM.

I've really had it with the PM at work. I'm tired of thinking that I have something finished and then Surprise! there is more to do, but they forgot to write it in the document. Oh, and he's so stubborn. I'm tired of getting my ass kicked at both home and work. And I'm so irritable lately. Maybe because I have to work so hard at being patient and understanding at home. The last thing I want to do is take it out on Mom, she doesn't deserve it and she can't help the dementia. But it's hard to deal with being asked the same question over and over, or being accused of treating her like a baby. Or dealing with the fact that she spends hours alone in the house. I wish I wasn't the only one making the decisions.

I hate depression. The insipidness of it. I hate unenlightened people who don't understand that it's an illness. That the depressed person feels so incredibly awful that they cannot function. It's easy to assume that the person is a slacker or that they are lazy. Don't judge until you've walked a mile in the shoes of a depressed person. No one wants to feel that awful. And it doesn't help when the unenlightened bully and push and refuse to understand. My goal is to educate the unenlightened. It's easy to ridicule and make fun of the depressed and anxious people around you. But it just heaps more emotional pain on a person who is struggling.

This morning Mom was gung ho to take down the tree. She was up and ready to go at about 9:00 AM, so we did it and now it's down.

She is getting diztier I think. She forgets that I have been home for the weekend. She insists upon going to bed whenever she is tired, even if it's 7:00 PM (then she gets up later in the night and roams or sits in the den). Every morning she asks why I have to go to work, why can't I just stay home with her? She doesn't think that I need to work, she has enough money for us both to live on. It makes me feel guilty. I feel bad that she stays home by herself all day while I'm at work but she won't go to the day center and she doesn't want anyone to come into the house (other than our housekeeper) to help her or take her anywhere. I sometimes run out of patience with her constantly asking the same thing over and over. I'd like to take her out more, but she has trouble with mobility. I definitely think that physical therapy helped her. I wish I had someone who could take her to the pool a few times per week, but she only wants to go with me. I hate dementia.

Sometimes it's hard that my life revolves around taking care of Mom and going to work. I miss being able to go to the mall and walk around. I can still do that, but Mom always wants to come and sit in the car and wait for me so I can't spend time just walking from store to store looking at things.

On Thursday our window valances were installed and I must say that they look great. Mom is quite pleased with them too. They make such a difference in the decor of our home. I hadn't realized that our windows looked so bare without them, until I saw the difference.

I am reading Wicked: The life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West. It's pretty interesting. Mom is reading a Jan Karon/Mitford book. I have no clue if she is absorbing the story, but she seems to be. She was up at 3:30 AM today calling to me. I had to come and remind her that it was that time and she was very sorry for waking me. She just does not have any concept of time and day, though she does have a concept of seasons.

Tomorrow we will begin taking down the tree and other Christmas decorations. I was hoping to purchase an ornament storage container from Target but they appeared to be sold out when I was there yesterday.

Mom has been looking at the pictures that I assembled in her album. I hope that they comfort her. The pile of snow was removed from our sidewalk today.

Snow snow SNOW! We have a lot but it is melting fast. The snow removers dumped a BIG pile of snow at the beginning of our sidewalk. Luckily no one was visiting us last night. I hope they clear it out tomorrow. The sidewalk was icy this afternoon when I went out to clear off snow that had blown over it.

This afternoon Mom and I went through the extra pictures that she has and found a bunch of good ones to put in her Picfolio album that I am making for her. She knew who everyone was but when we got to a picture of Dad taken when he was sick, she didn't recognize him. No surprise.

It's rare for a politician to place the interests of his country above his own political aspirations. Gerald Ford was such a man. History has proven that his decision to pardon Nixon was the right thing to do for the country, a country that he loved. Godspeed.