It's freakin' cold here! The current temperature is 7 and it's going to go to 4 tonight. I don't like this weather at all!

Today I was in a seminar at work and ate a late lunch. I felt really anxious and my heart was racing a little. Perhaps it was hypoglycemia because once I ate something I felt better.

It's not always hard to live with Mom. There are many good days. We've always gotten along really well and that good relationship continues even as we struggle to adjust to new roles in life. I try to let Mom maintain her independence and dignity as much as possible. Taking care of her has given me purpose.

Today I went to get the impressions of my teeth made. Ew. I gagged during the procedure. In two weeks I will get the splint. In the meantime, I've been trying to relax my jaws.

My patience is wearing thin.

Today I met with the counselor as part of the adult children caregiver for parents with dementia study. She brought up the fact that even though I have siblings I don't seem to get much support from them. Oh, I get some emotional support from A but D has not seen his mother in seven years. When I mentioned the issues that he has with his family she replied that there are still telephones and mail. He could call his mom once in a while. In a very short time she might not remember who he is. Which brought me to thinking, was our childhood so awful for him? Were our parents so sucky that now he wants nothing to do with his family? That is a question that my therapist asked too. Why has he chosen to remove himself from the family circle? I know that his lack of involvement really pissed off Dad. Dad was pretty close to his mother, I'm not sure how he felt about his father, I was too young to really observe that relationship before Grandpa died. One thing that I have noticed about families in Minnesota is that they are really close and they try to spend as much time as possible together. Not true in my family. And yes, I know we are separated by miles but we used to spend time together as a family, for holidays. I think that's one of the things that I miss most; it seems that since Dad died everyone is less likely to make the effort to get together. It's a two way street, I know, but it's pretty difficult to travel with Mom. Heck, today we just went to lunch and to get her mammogram and she had an accident. I feel so bad for her. I helped her clean up but I get so gaggy from it that I end up throwing up and that bothers her. I wish I could control the gagging. Back to the counselor; she seems to think that if Mom is not ready for the day center then she shouldn't be pushed into doing things she uncomfortable with. I've felt that way all along, but I've been told that maybe she isn't capable of making the best decisions for herself anymore. But how can I ignore her desires and feelings? She's losing bits and pieces of her independence and dignity every day, it's not right to force her to do something she obviously doesn't feel ready for. The counselor feels that finding someone to be with Mom one on one is a good idea, like I've said all along. So now the hunt begins to find someone to introduce to Mom and get her to accept.

Here's my proposal for smokers who don't like the idea of a smoking ban; in order to smoke in public, you have to be encased in a plastic bubble that contains all of the carcinogens so that you are the only one exposed to your secondhand smoke. Once you are in the plastic bubble, you can smoke and move freely about. That's the deal, take it or leave. That way, you can still hang out and smoke in bars, restaurants and other public places, but I don't have to breathe in your second hand smoke.

Day 6 of tapering off Lexapro update: I have had mild waves of dizziness/feeling spacey. Tonight I have a wicked pain between my eyes. Tomorrow I am supposed to start the Cymbalta.

Another person told me today that she heard from a reliable source that the new PM was a total shit. I guess it's not just me that feels that way. I feel bad about that, but I guess you can't teach a old dog a new trick. You'd think that he would get the message.

Ancestory.com has a new beta feature that shows you, based on people in your family tree, famous people to whom you are related (provided your tree and their trees are correct). Some of the people for my family include: Mark Twain, Laura Ingalls-Wilder, Bette Davis, Samuel Adams, Edward Hubble, Sir Walter Scott, Charles Stratten (aka Tom Thumb!), Amelia Earhart (my 9th cousin), Mamie Eisenhower, William Wordsworth, and Wernher Von Braun (a real, live rocket scientist!). Fascinating! Jane Austen's 5th great grandfather (Thomas Throckmorton) is my 12th great grandfather according to ancestory. Theodore Roosevelt is my 8th cousin twice removed.

Tonight I made a chicken and rice dish for dinner. It was a Campbells soup recipe and it turned out pretty good.

Mom has been yelling at Stinky to get out of her room. Then she wonders why Stinky doesn't want to cuddle with her.

I got my new Ugg slippers and I love them! My feet are always cold, so when I'm not wearing my slipper socks, I can wear my Uggs. And they're purple, my favorite! I like that they have a hard sole so that I can wear them into the garage to take the trash out. My Ugg boots are showing their wear. They need to be cleaned and stitched up. But I still love them.

TMJ. Turns out that the one place where I have awesome muscle strength is in my jaw and my temples. If only I could transfer that workout and strength to other parts of my body...Next week I have to go back to get a splint made for my teeth. And of course, they are not in the office on Fridays, or at least they are not in the office close to my house on Fridays.

Mom couldn't remember that A called tonight and she was pretty ditzy with A so of course it must have been a little unsettling for her too. Mom said she thinks something is wrong with her because she can't seem to remember things. I hate that she has to go through this.

It's a little after 6:30 and mom has gone to bed after tearfully begging to go. She'll probably have me up at midnight again when she has one of her tantrums. I'm sick of this. I try to make her stay up until at least 8:00 but her sleep cycle is so screwed up thus so is mine. I'm meeting with the U of M counselor on Friday. I'm going to have lot's of questions for her. I wish someone would just take over Mom's care completely sometimes.

We had snow today, just a light, all day snowfall, enough to shovel and plow. Lily came up and laid on my lap for about an hour this evening.

Tomorrow I go to the Facial Pain clinic, oh joy.

Our new window treatments






Living room

Mom is driving me bonkers. It doesn't help when my perimenopausal symptoms kick in (hotflashes, anxiety). My patience can be pretty thin, especially with her constant need for me to be with her, and her constant repetition of questions. I need a break from her. She is going to either go to the day center or someone is going to come in and spend time with her; I can't go on being her only caregiver or I'm going to crack.

Looks like Cymbalta is a go. I'm tapering off Lexapro slowly and starting the cymbalta next week. Should be interesting. Just hope I don't have a setback, that's the last thing that I need. Sometimes I'm just reluctant to rock the boat.

One of Stinky's soft claws has come off but so far things are going pretty well with those. Lily is coming upstairs more often too.

Even though I asked for decaff, I think there was caffeine in the coffee we had this morning. Mom has been blubbering and full of more energy than usual. She's reading a book and seems to be applying things in the book to real life. YIKES!

Last night I took Stinky to the vet and had her claws trimmed. They also put Soft Claws on her front claws. It was a short ordeal, with only a few growls, but I definitely think they are helping. And she hasn't seemed to be too bothered by them.

Saw my psych today. We are going to try weaning off Lexapro and going on Cymbalta. But I'm going to talk to my primary doctor first to see what she thinks.

At 6:30 tonight Mom decided she was going to bed. She'll probably be up around midnight. But when she gets something into her head there is no stopping her. Stubborn!

I'm still on the shitlist, but Mom did apologize and stress that her boredom 'isn't my fault'. I wish I had someone who could do things with Mom during the day. I think I will call an agency and hire someone to come entertain her. I can't take much more of the guilt and anger.