Negative political ads abound on the airwaves in Minnesota. I'm sure the same is true everywhere else. So far, a few candidates seem to be taking the high road. I think I've finally turned my mom into a liberal. Or maybe there has always been one lurking within her, beneath the shadow my Dad's ardent conservatism. And by conservative, I mean conservative like Richard Nixon and Dwight Eisenhower. He would not participate in this new, religious right movement. I for one cannot abide the intolerance, greed and lack of responsibility that the current conservative movement condones. Don't even get me started talking about the Iraq war, Bush's economic policies and his foreign policy. How he ever got elected for a second term is beyond my comprehension. My sister's theory is that he used fear, of a terrorist attack, to garner support. She could be right.

Took Mom to the physical therapist today and she gave her some exercises that we will do together. Then we went to visit the day center and Mom was peeved even though she went in. I'm hoping that she might decide to do it in the winter. Speaking of winter, we've been having snow flurries and it has been bitterly cold here for the last few days. But for the weekend, the forecast is for 50s and sun. We are ready.

I don't know what made me think of this. In the early 90s my dad had a defibrillator implanted but prior to that he was frequently rushed to the hospital with ventricular tachycardia. At least once his heart stopped. My poor mom was at the hospital and she heard them issue a code blue and instinctively she knew it was my dad. Luckily they were able to restart his heart. Of course, my parents never told me about these incidents and my mom only mentioned it after my dad had died. They knew that I would worry and the last thing they wanted me to do was worry. Unfortunately, I've spent the last few years worrying first about my dad and now about my mom. I think that was the most distressing thing for my dad during his illness because he wanted to protect me from everything. I know that my mom worries about me worrying about her now and it upsets her. They were that way about all of their kids, but because I am the youngest they were especially protective.

Today we had our first snow flurries. It started out as a cold, rainy day, then around 10:00 am I looked out the window and saw snow flurries. Well, now we've gotten it out of the way and we can warm up and enjoy a lovely Indian summer. We've had a hard frost too. It's a little early this year, but now that should help with my allergies.

For some reason today was a hard day for me. It's been a little over a year. But the wounds are still fresh and I still don't trust. I can't stand to even see their faces. I know that I am not without blame but I also cannot excuse their behavior and the fact that I have been totally ignored and treated like dirt. I've learned my lesson; don't expect people at work to be your friends. I am all business now and it is basically a job for me, a way to make money for the things that I need in life. I think that today everything just came to a head for me. I know that she doesn't mean it, but Mom makes me feel guilty in the morning when I leave for work and she gets exasperated with me. I know that she is just thinking of a long day of alone-ness that she must face again. But that doesn't make it any easier. I feel guilty about not having enough energy every day to go out for dinner when I all want to do is come home and cuddle with Lily.

Mom is up and down several times a night. She is aware of this so I don't think it is tied to memory loss. Sometimes she cries herself to sleep too.

Her hip does seem better since she's been using the muscle relaxant and Tylenol. Friday we go to physical therapy.

The other day I was thinking about how long it has been since mom's other kids have seen her. She sometimes gets her son confused with her husband now, and her daughter confused with her sister. When we looked through photos the other day this was apparent.

Today we went to the doctor where an X-ray was taken. Luckily no breaks from the fall, but there is basically no padding between the hip bone and the hip and she has arthritis really bad. They prescribed a muscle relaxant and physical therapy. I hope I don't inherit the hip thing. Both Mom and her sister have this problem.

I visited the adult day care center today. It seems like it would be a good place for mom. I'm going to try to get her to go for an hour to see if she likes it.

And I went to the therapist today. She wants me to try to do some things for myself. I will try.

I'm sure there is a lesson in growing old. Perhaps for me it is to take better care of myself as I watch my mom struggle with memory loss, pain and being overweight. Tonight she fell. We could not get her up. Finally she scooted herself from her bedroom to the den, then was able to get up in one of the chairs by first pulling herself up onto her knees and then moving back into one of the chairs behind her. I've got to hand it to her, she is tenacious and a trooper. I tried to help her but she did most of it on her own. It's now time to buy a walker, whether she wants one or not. She has already said that she needs 'two canes' to walk. Well, a walker will do that. Now I have more to worry about when she doesn't answer the phone.

It's a good thing that I never had kids. I just cannot deal with petulance. Mom can be so petulant. I need to get her to change her underwear, she smells. But when I tell her she smells she gets mad at me and then I feel guilty. In the morning when I leave for work, she makes me feel guilty for going to work.

Why can't people keep their cats in their houses? Stinky was howling away tonight at a cat that was perched on the egress window well. She gets crazy about other animals in her territory. She probably should have been an only kitty, but she's found her forever home now so I just have to do everything I can to encourage her to get along with Lily. Lily is my baby, she really is like a firstborn child, that's how close we are.

It was an amazing, glorious day today. Sunny and warm. The fall colors are gorgeous. When we crossed the river today, the trees were gorgeous against the blue sky.

This Friday I have an appointment to go to the adult care center. I'm going to go first without Mom to scope it out. She wants to go out to dinner every evening and I try to oblige, but sometimes I'm just too tired. And she tries to help out but doesn't really. I know she feels guilty about that. I feel bad about the pain she is experiencing in her left hip. It is really painful for her.

The Twins have won their division, much to the chagrin of the Tigers. It's too bad. It's still a long road to the World Series.

Meanwhile the world is going crazy; kids are shooting principals, adults are shooting kids. Once again we are reminded that our schools are vulnerable and violent places. Just stop being violent!

Mom was restless last night. She was up at midnight, banging around, coloring. Then she was up again at 5:00 AM. She yelled down to me, something about everybody being down there. I came upstairs to see what she was talking about and she was mad as a hornet, spouting something about 'someone going downstairs and not allowing her to go down too'. I think she was hallucinating. Funny thing is, she remembers the incident, and is adamant that she saw someone, but can't tell me what this person looked like. She has done something like this before. It's pretty common in people with dementia.

Today we went to the clinic to get her B12 shot. I had her ride in a wheelchair which made it easier for both of us. She's so stubborn though, she insists that she can walk, but she is in such pain from her hip that it breaks my heart.

Today would have been Dad's 76th birthday. I miss him.

Tonight we both got haircuts. I chopped off about 3 inches and now have a bob. I like it. Mom can barely walk, she hurts so much. Time to make that appointment with physical therapy. She gets so frustrated and upset because of her immobility. It's hard for me to see her like that.