Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Today I learned from a coworker that her mother is struggling with cognitive issues and it makes me sad. I try to move on from Alzheimer's but it's not letting me. Everywhere I turn there is someone suffering from this disease. It has been a little over 7 months since I lost Mom. I miss her so much and I still grieve for her, but I feel like she is still right here with me. The strange thing is that I've felt this way since her passing. I talk to her and I tell her things like I used to do. I think about her and remember things we laughed about together. I've re-read my blog from those days one short year ago and I've cried, remembering how difficult it was to see Mom decline. I've beat myself up over how things evolved, and then I've turned around and forgiven myself for those same things. I know in my heart that Mom would not want me to feel guilty. I still have her things; I can't quite bring myself to open the boxes and sort through her clothes. They will keep for now. I've moved into the master bedroom of our house, a huge step for me. Some days are harder than others, but I plug away looking for a new purpose. And I count off the days, one by one, remembering events and occurrences as time passes. I miss you Mom.


Lily said...

This is how we never lose those we love. I still think 'dad would have liked this song/laughed at this joke/appreciated this scene', ten years after his death.

jutka said...

I feel the same way about my husband, Robyn, he will be with me always. I also feel guilty sometimes, but then I know I was trying to do my best, and he had understood my love for him.