Sunday, January 18, 2009

Mom's memorial service was reverent and full of love. I miss her so much. I think that I've been numb for the last few days and it's really not sunk in that she is gone. I'm scared for when it does eventually sink in. I'm a momma's baby, always have been.

Days before Mom's death I had a feeling that something was up with her. I visited her Tuesday and Wednesday evenings after work. Tuesday night she did not eat but once we got her back to her room and into her bed, we raised her bed and she sat up and drank a glass of juice. I had met with the hospice nurse just prior to seeing Mom, and we had decided to try to lower her dosage of lorazepam (anti-anxiety) to see if Mom might become more engaged. On Wednesday evening I stopped by at dinner time. They had Mom up and sitting at the dining table however she wasn't awake. I tried to get her to eat a few bites of food but she was totally uninterested. We took her back to her room and put her into her bed. I was worried and scared. Thursday morning I awoke with a start and looked at my clock. My alarm did not go off. When my carpool called to see if I was riding, the phone didn't ring; it had somehow been unplugged. I decided to take the day and spend it with Mom and I'm so glad that I did. This was the last day that Mom was awake and able to sort of communicate. She would not take her eyes off me. I fed her ice chips and water from a tooth moistener. She was very interested in the ice chips and water and asked for more. Hospice stopped by, including the social worker and the nurse. The nurse prescribed morphine to keep Mom comfortable. If my phone and alarm had been working I would have missed this time with Mom. But someone had a plan and I am so grateful for this time with my Mom. I kept a vigil near Mom for the next 4 days. My sister arrived on Sunday. It was such a relief to share this vigil with her. The whole time that this was happening I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind; one that was everpresent was this feeling that my friend and his wife, who were expecting a baby on the 15th, would have this baby on the day that Mom passed away. Guess what? That baby arrived two days early on the day that Mom passed away. Later my cousin informed us that her brother-in-law and his wife also delivered a baby on this day. Both of these babies were boys. This was reminscent of when my dad passed away. His hospice nurse was expecting a baby which she delivered on the day that he passed away. These events are comforting to me as I know that He has had a hand in this.

My sister and I stayed with Mom from a little after 9AM until a little after midnight. The caregivers felt that Mom had more time and it seemed true; her color was better, her lips were pinker and her hands and feet showed no signs of mottling. We decided to head home for some rest, planning to return early in the morning. We both kissed Mom and told her we love her and then we departed. The carers checked on Mom at 12:30 and she was still with us. When they went back around 1:15 AM she was gone. I'm convinced that Mom waited until we left to depart this world, always the mother protecting her children.
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nancy said...

thank you for sharing your mom's final days with us and describing the visitation/funeral. it sounds like it was very comforting to you and surrounded by a lot of love and support.

i too believe that God has a hand in bringing life into this world as He also calls others home. i also think He had a hand in your alarm not going off so that you could spend precious time with your mom.

you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs))) and blessings.

Cinnamin said...

I am assured of God's hand in everything. Amazing!

You will function, time will go on, but you will always have your Mom's love with you. She did and does still know that you love her. You are a good daughter, Robyn. Rest in His arms and let Him carry you through this now.


Annie said...

I'm so glad your alarm did not go off and you were able to spend the day with your Mom. Hugs.

¸.•*´)ღ¸.•*´Chris said...

Your mother was a very beautiful woman. I was struck by how yor mother waited until everyone was gone before she passed. My mother did the same thing. It's like it is their only way of protecting us from the pain their passing is going to cause. Alas, it still hurts so badly.

I understand what you are going through and my heart aches for you. Things get better but there will always be that space no one will ever fill. I'm so sorry for your loss, Robyn. You are in my prayers.

rilera said...

I'm still numb. I'm not sure this has sunk in yet for me. Thank you everyone for your notes of support and encouragement. I feel so lucky to know you all.

jutka said...

I'm thinking about you a lot these days dear Robyn, this is the time of the acceptance and the adjustment. It is so hard to live with our loss, only the memories and the love in our hearts giving us strength. The passing of time will help, and with each day you will get stronger and stronger. God bless you.

Esther said...


I'm so sorry. I've only just now read of your mom's passing. You've been such a wonderful daughter and friend to her throughout this horrible struggle. You did everything you could do and more.
May your strength continue. Blessings to you and your family. They are lucky to have you as your mom was. Esther
p.s. and thanks for taking the time to comment on my blog

nancy said...

just checking in to see how you are doing. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Annie said...

Just checking in. Thinking of you.

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