Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Another Day in Paradise

I think it's time for Mom to move. My patience is wearing very thin and a crabby caregiver is not a good thing or at all fair for Mom. Mom deserves much better than that. Tonight she dumped her cranberry juice all over the carpet. When I started to clean it up she said 'Oh just leave it'. I said ' I can't leave this it will stain the carpet' and I promptly began cleaning it with the carpet cleaner (which is a godsend by the way, it cleaned it right up). I suppose this will bring the ants again. We've had an ant invasion in Mom's den. She drops food and drink all over the floor in the most inconvenient places. One day I'm going to remove the furniture from this room and give it a good cleaning. She also gets very fussy every evening (sundowners, probably) just in time for me. It's hard to deal with this after a long day at work (10 1/2 hours). It seems like all I do is clean up after her or clean her up. I want to enjoy my time with her, I don't want to resent her and the fact that I don't have a life anymore. She also not sleeping through the night. She is up 3 or 4 times a night now. I have to get some sleep not only to stave off my fibromyalgia but also to maintain my mood and my job. It's time. All I need is for one of the places to call with the appropriate kind of room. Then I can go back to being a daughter again and not a nursemaid. Do you think I'll cave when the time comes to finally place Mom? It really pisses me off that my family and I can't enjoy our Mom in the sunset of her life as she used to be before this awful disease. What is God trying to teach us?

Tomorrow is the 11th anniversary of my Dad's passing. I miss him so much, I can't even begin to tell you how much. I think of him at some point every day and I wonder what he would do in my situation. And I miss my Mom too even though I'm thankful that she is still physically here with me.

4 comments:

flintysooner said...

You have to follow your heart on the when. There's no rule and no one able to tell you. I definitely understand wishing there were, too.

You're right about the resentment and the stress and the difficulty of the work and the lack of sleep - all increasing at the same time.

Once you make the decision you have to strengthen your resolve. That's why you have to make up your mind you are doing the best thing for her. And you will be.

It's hard and there's just no two ways about that.

rilera said...

Flinty, thanks for your unwavering support. I'm so grateful for you and my other blogger friends.

nancy said...

i too ditto flinty comments. you are the only one who can make this decision. you are the only one living this nightmare 24/7.

it is not easy being a caregiver, that is for sure and probably an even harder decision to make. but you will make the right decision for both you and your mom.

please know we are here for you to listen and support you in whatever you decide. many (((hugs)))

~Betsy said...

I'm sorry things have gotten to this point. I remember all too well. As the others have said, this is your decision and you must have faith you are making the right one.

I remember wondering what God was trying to teach me, too. Now that I am 8 months post-caregiving, I still don't know entirely. I do know that I have a totally different outlook on life. I know that I appreciate the small things so much more now.

Hang in there. I know it's so hard, but you are doing a great job.

I'm so sorry about your dad's anniversary. It must have been a rough day. (((hugs)))